By Ines Leach, Year 11,
You never notice a friendship breakup the same way you notice a “normal” breakup. There’s rarely a final message like “can we talk?” or “this isn’t working anymore.” not even a clean Goodbye. One day, you go from sending each other voice-notes about the smallest things, who said what, what happened in class, or just your feelings, to the next day just “seen.” No explanation, no warning, just complete silence.
And the hardest part? Everyone acts like it isn’t a big deal or a real loss. But it is. They act like you are being dramatic since “it’s only a friend”. It’s a real loss. I would argue it’s worse than a “normal” breakup, because friendship is supposed to be a safe place, where you can go if you are feeling lost or overwhelmed, a place you go when everything else around you feels too messy. So when this important person suddenly disappears, it doesn’t just hurt, you feel almost disorientated, and unable to act normal.
Of course it hurts, why wouldn’t it? A large part of your daily routine and life has been torn away. The best friend you talked with everyday, about life, feelings, and recent events, you suddenly cannot do anymore. The one who knew that “Im fine” really didn’t mean it. The problem is, it’s not just missing a person, it’s missing the life you had with them, all the inside jokes, the secret language and glances, automatically sitting next to each other, the millions of photos taken, and debriefing the day as if it was a ritual.
No one ever knows why it ever ended, it’s unexpected and confusing. Sometimes it happens from a fight that continues to escalate for no reason at all,to the point no one even remembers the original problem. Sometimes it’s just a small misunderstanding which could have easily been fixed in five minutes if each one put a little effort but the pride got in the way. And sometimes, the worst of all, it was nothing at all, no drama, no betrayal, no fight, no nothing. It starts with replies taking longer, no more plans being made, effort only comes from one side, to the point you realise you are the only one even trying.
Either way you never end up closing it. Just an untied end which follows you around. You walk past each other in the hallways and don’t know what you can do. Do you give them a quick smile? A wave? Look away fast and pretend you didn’t see them? Can you say “Hi” as if nothing happened? Or would that actually make it way worse? What ends up happening is you glance at each other briefly and continue to walk. It feels super weird, you act like you don’t know eachother, when before you knew eachother almost better than anyone else.
Your friends ask you “what happened?” and “You guys used to be so close” and you stare at them because honestly you don’t know what happened either. You don’t know what story to tell, your point of view and stay neutral, or blame them.
It messes with your identity, “who are you without them?”. They are part of how you understand yourself. You become so close to someone, you become a version of you with them. Funnier, calmer, louder, braver, more confident, happier, angrier, you have a role. You’re either the “Chaotic Friend” or the “Over-protective” one. The one who always listens, or the one who always talks. So when this friendship ends, you feel like a part of you is literally being erased. The life where that better version of you existed.
As much as we don’t want to believe it, they also don’t come out of nowhere. There are warnings, you just don’t want to believe it while you are still in it. Of course it starts off small, it may be that they are spending a little more time with others, plans that can never be confirmed ( or even cancelled), or maybe the vibe just shifts a little or feels just a tiny bit different. You tell yourself that everyone gets busy and it’s probably nothing at all. But you have to start noticing the patterns. Here are some common patterns you might want to ask yourself:
- How do you feel after being with them? Do you feel happy and excited? Or just fully drained, insecure, or exhausted? If you leave feeling like you had to make an effort to bear through the hangout or you had to act a certain way in order for them to be happy, then it’s not right. You shouldn’t have to act differently and it isn’t made to feel like a test
- Do you walk on eggshells around them? If you are constantly thinking about what to say, if it will upset them or not, if you bring something up, if they will get mad or defensive, just honestly dangerous, and real friends shouldn’t make you feel like you are walking into a trap every time.
- Your effort- is it greater than theirs? Is your effort the only thing keeping the bond together? If you were to stop, would everything crumble down in one go? If you are always reaching out, the one to make plans, to confirm them, or keep the conversation alive, then you are carrying the friendship.
- Are you seeing small moments of disrespect? Are they treating you unfairly? Small things you used to ignore- jokes that aren’t jokes, them interrupting you, rolling their eyes, huffs and puffs, them subtly putting you down in front of others to make them seem higher. Sure, once in a while it happens, and nothing major on its own, but enough that when it builds up you feel small.
- Lastly, the most clear sign of all: You do not feel safe or at home around them. You tweak your personality, you otherthink a simple message, you wonder if you are annoying or upsetting them. Just completely doubting yourself. If a friendship is adding more stress onto your life, or makes you feel like you are not enough but maybe you were too much all in the safe time, they are not your safe space anymore. In fact, you will have to talk to someone else about this for help (which normally would have been them!)
The middle stage is the worst. You’re not officially done, but you also don’t feel okay. You are in this weird space where you are still kind of around each other, you might still sit with one another at lunch, hang out with the same mutual friends, still have too many memories which are too big to erase, but there’s tension. It’s almost as if you’ve forgotten how to speak to each other, what to talk, or even how to just be around. All these interactions feel heavy and stressful. If they laugh with others and not with you, it stings. If they act happier around people you are close to as well, it stings. If they don’t look or notice you, it stings. If they act too normal, you feel they aren’t as affected as you and you might just be imagining it all.
Social media doesn’t help. You see them post pictures with entirely new people, and they seem way happier than you. Like they have moved on quickly and you are just stuck by yourself. You notice that mutual friend hangouts you are not being invited to anymore as they planned it, or you have been taken off their private story. You compare yourself to the people they are now with.
Your brain then tries and protects you and comes up with these stories like “They never cared for me in the first place” or “i must have been the problem all along” or “Im fine.” But deep down we know it’s more complicated than that, we feel hurt and think our heart needs some clarity.
When you are hurt, you may think of doing some irrational things, like slashing their parents car tires, or maybe by accident start a fight between them and their new friends. Of course, please don’t do any of those things as tempting as it may be. You may have temporary relief, but it doesn’t fix anything. Some things you shouldn’t do are: create public drama. It may feel satisfied for a few minutes, but it will quickly fade. Next, don’t send a series of emotional messages, one honest message will do. Begging them to change only actually drains you. Third, don’t try to gather people to be on your side. Your mutual friends don’t have to be treated like trophies, that if most side with you they are mostly the problem or vice-versa. It’s not meant to become a competition of who got to keep the most friends. And lastly, and most importantly, don’t try or let yourself be gaslit into thinking none of it matters . It does. That’s why it hurts. Denial does nothing for anyone.
What you should do is first be real. Be truthful with yourself. You lost your best friend. This doesn’t mean you are weak, it’s because you are human. Second, protect your peace. If seeing them on instagram triggers you, hide it,mute it, don’t open it. Unfollow if really needed. Some may say it’s petty, but it’s not. If it helps you heal you should without a doubt. Third, find your own closure even if they never gave you the chance to get it. It doesn’t always come from talking it out or really coming to the main source of how everything unravelled. Sometimes all closure is deciding: I’ve done what I can, and I won’t spend my life dwelling on it. It’s a waste of time and energy. Now, you have to rebuild the part of you that disappeared. A new routine, maybe a new sport or hobby, make new friends, or even just one person you get closer to. Not to replace them, but as a reminder your life doesn’t have to stop.
And finally, remember that just because you had a friendship breakup, doesn’t mean you are unlovable or unable to keep friends. Sometimes it means you are growing up and changing, or maybe your standards have risen higher, or you are learning the type of people you want to surround yourself with and who respects you no matter what.
To round-off, friendship break ups will definitely mess with you for quite some time as you do lose a version of yourself you loved. But over time you will get to build a new and even better one. A stronger one. A more confident one. A happier one.
You may not end on clear terms, you might never ever fully understand what happened, but it’s okay. One day you will walk past them and you won’t feel your chest tighten, you will think back to your old memories and smile, and realise that was a chapter in your life you enjoyed and survived.
The goal isn’t to forget, it’s to look back, smile, and continue.
